


Louder Than The Crack In The Bell

by Livdonna



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Flashbacks, Help, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Recovery, Self-Hatred, Some suicidal thoughts, Therapy, Trauma, What Is Wrong With ME, alex journals a lot, alex needs protection, because hes stubborn af, but he wont admit it, but itll get better eventually, i dont know what im doing with my life, i like writing emotional things, original broadway cast, this is literally the most depressing thing ive ever written in my life, this will get deep
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-07-24 18:03:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7517947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livdonna/pseuds/Livdonna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When John would look at Alex, he always had to make a huge effort to hold back tears from escaping his eyes, and whimpers escaping his mouth, because he didn't see Alex any more.  He saw a victim.  The remains of a once lively and fiery, short tempered man were gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Secret

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!!  
> Sooo my name is Olivia and this is my first fanfiction. I've written stories before but I never had the actual guts to put any up because Im really insecure about it (I usually do it as a coping skill!!) BUT i'm in a FUCK EVERYTHING mood right now so I'm just going for it... *insert nervous af face here because thats what i look like right now*  
> anyway, I write a lot of times in place of journalling because sometimes its way easier for me to project my own feelings and experiences onto characters... and this is kinda exactly that. This story will be based off of my own experience, (i am in eating disorder recovery) , with some differences for the point of creativity! I might end up using parts of some of my own journal entries.. we'll see.....  
> I have no idea of where I want to go with this, but i'm just trying this out for now.... Soooo enjoy !

John had a sixth sense. Well, it seemed as though he did. He was always good with knowing if something was wrong. The person didn't need to say anything. John just knew. Maybe that's why a few minutes ago, he was worrying; worrying as Alex was curled up to him in bed, shivering. Shivering wasn't just shivering to John. Shivering to John mean't something way more serious.

 

"Alex... You're freezing..."

  
"John, I'm fine. Let me sleep... Please."

  
"You can talk to me, Alex."

  
"John I'm tired."

  
"Alex, I'm concerned."

  
"There's nothing to be concerned about. Worrying gives you wrinkles. Go to sleep."

 

It was hard for John to not worry. He wasn't a stranger to this. He knew Alex more than he knew himself... Sometimes it truly felt like that. They had gone through so much together... Alex helping John work through his depression and suicidal thoughts, to John helping Alex through his anxiety and panic attacks. Well, not only his panic attacks... John remembered what was making him worry in the first place. It was an uncomfortable feeling.

 

Alex had always been a non stop, high wired person from when John first met him. It was normal behavior for Alex to go days without sleeping, or eating, because he was up all night writing, or pacing, or trying to figure out something for work. It wasn't until he began to notice Alex withdrawing to the extent of him not coming home for five days straight because he had locked himself in his work office, seeing the extreme dark circles under his eyes, and that his gaunt face was drained of all color, that he knew there was something really serious going on. It was devastating seeing him go from a ball of manic energy to a hollow shell of a human being. Not only acting like one, but looking like one. When John would look at Alex, he always had to make a huge effort to hold back tears from escaping his eyes, and whimpers escaping his mouth, because he didn't see Alex any more. He saw a victim. He saw a skeleton. The remains of a once lively and fiery, short tempered man were gone. There was never a time when he wasn't constantly worrying. He was in such distress and shock that he ended up calling Lafayette one night, almost having a panic attack because he didn't know what to do to help him.

 

_"John?"_

  
_"Y-Yeah..."_

  
_"Are you okay mon ami?"_

  
_"Laf...It's Alex..."_

  
_"Talk to me John. What's going on with our Alex?"_

  
_"I... I don't know Laf. I'm just so worried... He's not sleeping. He's not eating. He's not drinking... I don't know what's going on but I'm SCARED Laf... I don't know what to do!"_

  
_"John... John... Breathe. It's okay John... You're alright mon ami... Can you breathe for me? We'll figure this out... It's going to be okay... You're okay... You're okay..."_

 

Laf was always a comforting person he could go to. So was Herc, but he was busy most of the time making high class fashion clothes for runway models in downtown Manhattan. Ever since that day, Laf and John both made sure to keep an eye on their friend. John had tried confronting Alex many times, but it felt like a punch in the gut each time he got resistant and denied everything. He thought it would be a good idea for Laf to come with him. He remembered practically begging to Laf, crying, saying he needed to help him in some way. Laf was becoming extremely concerned himself. The moment he stepped foot in the door of John and Alex's apartment, and saw how thin Alex had become, a look of pity painted itself across the Frenchman's face. It broke John's heart to see Laf is such a state of sadness. He didn't think he ever saw him like that before.

 

_"Oh... Alex..."_

_Laf had walked to him, wanting to embrace him in one of his biggest hugs, until he was taken aback by the way Alex looked at him. It looked like a mixture of terror and disgust._

_"What? You look like you just saw a ghost."_

_It was a sad remark, because it was practically true. The way Alex looked wasn't that far from it. The paleness that overtook his olive complexion was disturbing. The dark circles under his eyes were usually normal, but they looked ten times worse on that particular day, or more like weeks. Seeing how loose his clothes were, making them sag all the way down his body, making a few ribs noticable through his shirt gave both Laf and John a sick feeling in their stomachs._

_"Maybe it's because you're looking like one."_

_The bluntness in John's tone was powerful. He just wanted to make Alex see the damage he was doing, but at the time he didn't know that it wouldn't be that easy._

_"Look man... Alex---"_

_His words were cut off ._

_"If you're gonna start lecturing me about eating and all that great stuff then you can leave. And I don't think Laf came here to hear you nag me like a child!"_

_At that, Laf's concerned tone broke in._

_"Actually mon ami, John brought me here because he told me how concerned he is about you..." He eyed Alex up and down once again, "...and from the looks of it Alex, I'm getting scared too."_

_John placed his hand on Alex's shoulder._

_"Seriously Alex... I just care about----"_

_It was quickly snatched away as Alex got up and screeched._

_"Oh my god John, will you just drop it already?! It's not a big deal!"_

_Tears were threatening to pour out of John's eyes now._

_"But I don't wanna drop it! I'm worried! Look, this isn't just a normal 'oh I'm not having any appetite' Alex!" There was fear in his voice now. "This is a matter of life or death! You're going to kill yourself!"_

_At that, he couldn't hold it in anymore, and soon enough the tears did begin to pour out. Laf tried to console him by rubbing his back and whispering sweet words. However, there was no use. It wouldn't be okay. It just wouldn't._

_The numbness in Alex's expression was even more disturbing, as if he just didn't care... or he just didn't know how to care. He just sat there, expressionless, as Laf slowly began to speak, with desperate, distressed words escaping his mouth._

_"Mon ami... Please let us help you..."_

_He was ready to give Alex a hug, until his hands were suddenly snatched away by Alex flinching, as if he was scared._

_There was uncomfortable silence for a few minutes after that. No one knew what to think or what to say. The whole situation seemed hopeless._

_"Alex..." John's soft voice broke the silence, as he cautiously looked at Alex, "Are you okay?"_

_He really should have expected what came next._

_"I AM FINE! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG!" Tears began to escape Alex's eyes, and that was something that didn't happen often. It earned shocked looks from John and Laf as he began to speak again, this time much softer._  
_"Okay. There's nothing wrong. Please, I need you to stop worrying. Okay. I'm okay. I'm here. I'm okay..." He was trying to calm himself by taking deep breaths, until Laf's desperate voice broke in._

_"Oh Alex... You are NOT thinking straight, mon ami, because your body isn't getting ANY nutrients.... Please let me get you some water or something... ANYTHING Alex. Something..."_

_The distress in Laf's voice gave John chills that ran up his whole body, as he saw Alex look like he was about to crumble to the ground, head down, voice small and nervous._

_"Laf... No. I can't."_

_John couldn't take it any more. He was so desperate for answers. As he knelt down next to his friend, the only words that could come out of his mouth were, "Why? Why can't you?" He looked into Alex's eyes, which were now welling with tears once again, and began rubbing his fingers through his silky smooth dark hair. He knew Alex loved when he did that, and it seemed to always calm him down._  
_"Alex... What is it? You can tell us..."_

 

After that day, and a lot of resistance, John and Laf were able to convince Alex to begin therapy once a week. They had researched therapists that specialized in eating disorders and found one not that far from where they lived. It all seemed fine. It seemed good, like things were beginning to look up. Alex seemed to be eating the food that John would buy upon his request, and he would even help him make it. He withdrew less and would actually engage in fun activities with John. He was even sleeping a normal amount!

However, it wasn't that soon after that John began to realize how wrong he was, and how sneaky Alex was becoming, or should he say, how controlling the eating disorder had become. It turned out that Alex was lying in his journal about eating, and that he would throw the food away while John wasn't there. He would secretly exercise in the worst weather conditions there were, even when he felt like his body was going to give up on him in the dying heat, and most of the time it he would sneak out while John was asleep. But the most disturbing thing that John discovered was the purging. As far as he knew, Alex was always terrified of getting sick, so when he began to find traces of vomit in the bathroom and sometimes in even more disturbing places, he was horrified. What was even more scary for John than finding the vomit, was when he caught Alex doing it.

 

_It was just a day at the movies with Laf and Herc. That was it... A nice day. All four of them having a good time, spending the weekend together, getting a break from work to just chill. A movie night seemed like a good idea at the time. Nothing really great was out, so they had decided that they would just try to sneak into other movies for fun... Well, with a friend like Hercules, things like that always happened. John loved how he really gave no fucks what would happen. He just went for it, and never ever got caught._

_They all got settled into the theatre, finding their seats, when Alex said that he would be right back. He said he was going to buy something to drink and that he needed to use the bathroom._

_All was well, until they realized that Alex had been out for almost 15 minutes._

_John told them that he would go and check on him, and that's exactly what he did. He looked around the lobby, and when he saw no sight of him, he went towards the bathroom door. Something inside of John was telling him that something wasn't right. He had a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach, and hesitated as he opened the door. He could have sworn that he heard a 'fuck' coming from one of the stalls, so he decided to figure out which one it came from._

_"Alex?"_

_He heard scattering from the stall and walked closer, as he heard Alex yell back._

_"Give me a minute! I'm almost ready."_

_John's heart was racing with anxiety. The moment he was standing outside of the stall, the door opened to a very flustered looking Alex. It froze John in his tracks. He couldn't even find words to say._

_Alex was standing in front of him, water bottle practically empty in one hand, and his phone in the other. He noticed that his hands were shaking slightly, and when he looked at his eyes, they were completely bloodshot. His hair was pulled back in the messiest bun he ever had, strands coming out of it, as if he was in a complete hurry to get somewhere. Besides his eyes looking bloodshot, his whole face looked deathly pale; more pale than John had ever seen it. His whole body was shaking and honestly, he looked like he could heave over any second._

_"What?!"_

_John took a glance at inside the stall and saw traces of exactly what he didn't want to see. He took a breath._

_"Everything okay?"_

_John knew everything was not okay, but he needed to see if Alex would lie straight to his face about it. If he did, it wouldn't be a shock, so why did John want to scream when denial came?_

_"Uh yeah."_

_"Really? You were in here for a freaking long time."_

_He didn't mean to sound angry, but seeing someone you love hurt themselves brings anger out of people, and sometimes being angry is easier than being upset._

_"Maybe I got distracted John. Or maybe I really had to go! Does it matter? Stop questioning me like you're my parent! I'm a fucking grown man."_

_As Alex began to walk away, John stopped him in his tracks before he could move any further._

_"Alex........"_

_His voice was low, almost a whisper._ _He looked around to check that no one was in the bathroom before he asked, "Did you....."_

_He didn't even get the chance to finish, before Alex did for him._

_"Okay... Okay. I'm sorry John. I... I did. I purged okay. It was really stupid and you probably hate me, but you can stop questioning me now and go back with Laf and Herc. Okay?"_

_When John looked at him, he saw the shame in his eyes, and he looked like he was about to cry. However, there was still that hint of sarcastic anger. He couldn't find the right words to tell him that he wasn't mad and that he didn't hate him. He was only able to state the obvious._

_"You... You need help. You need A LOT of help."_

_It was a haunting moment. He eventually got Alex to tell Laf and Herc, almost in tears in a corner of the hallway of theatres. None of them were mad. They were just extremely worried, and they ended the night pretending that nothing happened._

 

Months of recovery, after all of the bullshit Alex was pulling, was looking good on him. He attended therapy every week, saw a dietitian every other week, and went to the support groups whenever they had them. It was a series of up and downs, and there were times when things got harder, but Alex was able to turn them around, by going to IOP programs for a little extra support.

Things were looking good for months. Actually, things were looking good for a year.

So, when John was sitting on his bed, with Alex curled into him, shivering and pale, he knew something wasn't right, and he wasn't okay.

Alex was not okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wtf did i just write.....whoops.  
> next chapter will be in alex's P.o.v so you can get a little background on whats going on


	2. Invincible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex's P.O.V so you can see what's going on in his head.... Also a lot of his journal entries and some really deep stuff.
> 
> WARNINGS FOR:  
> -some suicidal thoughts  
> -mentions of implied abuse  
> -eating disorder behaviors
> 
> PLEASE BE SAFE <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for your comments and kudos! it means the world!!!  
> i decided to put another chapter up,. i was in a really deep mood so my mind came up with a lot of deep stuff sooooo..... i hope you like it.  
> theres a lot of emotions so im sorry.  
> whoops.  
> ALSO i kinda rushed typing it, so if theres any grammar or spelling mistakes dont be afraid to tell me!! :)
> 
> *again some of this is based on my own experience, so what you'll read about eating disorders is all real stuff.... its tough shit !!!!!**

Alex didn't really remember how it all started. At this point, it was all a huge blur. Memories of everything were jumbled together into one big fuzzy cloud in his mind. Well, that's what lack of nutrition does to you. Your mind begins to get fuzzy and you have trouble remembering things. However, Alex didn't really WANT to remember. He really didn't want to bring all of the disturbing memories back into his mind; all of the memories that he had numbed out for so long now, but it all eventually comes back to you when you start reading your old journal entries.

 

  
_September 11th 2015:_  
_My fingers have been cramping like crazy the whole day. They feel like they are bruised but they're not. I have no idea what that's about, but its annoying._

 

  
Oh yeah, that wasn't pleasant.

 

  
_September 22nd 2015:_

_I NEED to know why the hell I'm so damn tired all the time! Seriously, there was literally NOT one moment today when I wasn't tired! I feel like I got hit by a truck. It's so weird. Where did all of my energy go? It just got all sucked out of me, and I don't feel like me today. I didn't feel like me over the weekend either- especially Sunday. I don't know what was up with me on Sunday. That was TERRIBLE._

 

  
A lot of mysterious things start to happen when you starve yourself. Your whole body starts to give up on you, slowly... but it becomes pretty painful. Alex never really thought anything of it. They were just normal things that happened to everyone once in a while. He minimized every single one of his problems. He minimized the severity of his illness. Did he even have an illness?

 

Illness.

 

He hated using that word. He thought it made him sound completely insane. He had a lot of difficulty coming to terms that he did have a problem, and when John and Laf had convinced him to begin therapy, a lot of resistance came along. It took him a long time to actually give in and accept the "help" he would be given.

 

Yes, the "help". It wasn't all fun and games.

 

 

_September 26th 2015:_

_Meals have been nothing but torturous. With the constant calorie increases, they've been getting harder and harder to finish, and leave me feeling nauseas and extremely distended to the point that I can hardly stand up. Well along with that comes the reflux... both acid and literal unintentional purging---like food literally coming up, and I HAVE to swallow it, and it is disgusting!_

_Yesterday my dinner was terrible. Okay, no it tasted good, but my stomach didn't like it very much. I felt absolutely terrible after I finished, and went out to the hall and paced... and paced... and paced... Then I had group, and went back out to the hall... and paced, paced, and... paced... again and again and again. That's when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Seeing the reality of the monster I had become had screwed my mind up and unleashed the demons that I call my eating disorder thoughts. I eyed the dreaded closet where I did the nasty two years ago and discovered a way that was less obvious. The macy's bag that John left for me when he brought me stuff. Well... it was an impulsive action... I purged... and purged... and purged... in that bag... in the closet... and I didn't stop there. I purged more in the shower that was in the bathroom down the hall. It was so BAD. Then the therapist caught me (well not really). I admitted what I did. I could have lied about it or tried to hide it, but I told the truth._

Alex could never admit it to anyone, but agreeing to go to therapy, and "eating" his meals, were really just an act. He knew people would get off of his back if he did. It gave him an uncomfortable feeling when people were worried about him. It made him feel like a burden, and good people like John, Laf, and Hercules, did not deserve to be bothered with someone like him. He felt guilty for making them worry so much. What was so good about him? What about him was making people worry and take up so much time of their lives to try to help him. He didn't believe he deserved it.

 

So, that's exactly why he felt so numb when John and Laf had confronted him for the last time. He saw the tears flow down their cheeks, and he heard their desperate pleads, but he couldn't deal with how scared they were. He couldn't deal with the fact that two of his closest friends in the world were in so much pain. He was causing this pain and he felt so... ashamed. Numbing out was a defense mechanism that Alex developed over time, and it was one way to protect him from such disturbing emotions that he just couldn't bear feeling.

 

Another one? Anger.

 

Being angry is way easier than being upset. It is way easier than being hurt. It is way easier than feeling scared. It is a much easier emotion to feel. It is a more acceptable emotion. You are protecting yourself from being vulnerable when you are feeling angry, rather than letting yourself show that you are scared, or hurt, or upset. His aggression and hot-headed attitude developed as a way to shield himself from how scary the real, raw emotions were.

 

Alex could not let anybody see underneath the surface. It would put him in a risky situation, where he would feel unsafe, and automatic trauma responses would happen instead. Flashbacks and dissociations happened when certain memories were triggered. Sometimes the smallest things sparked a memory, like someone raising their voice a tad, or hearing loud noises, or unexpected touching. Nightmares were a common occurance, and most nights he wouldn't sleep, in fear of having his mind haunted with such intrusive memories. He would stay up at night and pace around his room, or dig himself into writing, or sometimes if his thoughts got so bad he would sneak out and run. He was really good at hiding these responses.

 

 

_September 15th 2015:_

_My thoughts are honestly all over the place right now. It really aggravates me. Why can't I ever be at peace for once? Oh, that's right! Because I have an eating disorder, and when you have an eating disorder, you will NEVER be at peace with yourself or with your own mind... because you're constantly battling your own thoughts---you're at war... against your own mind! How fucking ridiculous does that sound?! It makes me sound like I'm crazy, but you wouldn't understand unless you have the problem. If you don't have an eating disorder, you will never fully understand it. You won't get it. For Christ's sake, I don't even fully get it and I have one! I wish I didn't have one, but I do, and until I fully commit to recovery, I will have one for the rest of my life. Not fucking cool..._

 

Ah yes, the eating disorder. Everything was blamed on the eating disorder. The obsessive thoughts, and mind racing, and not sleeping... all blamed on the eating disorder. On the surface, it seemed like that's what the problem was. It really did. Yes, lack of nutrition is linked to insomnia, and yes, when you get real deep into the illness the obsessive thoughts get worse, because the eating disorder gets a stronger, more controlling grip on you...and it gets harder and harder to stop.

 

However, there is almost always something below the surface of any mental illness. Alex couldn't come to terms with it just yet, but subconsciously, the eating disorder was his way of numbing out. It was his way of distracting from the real feelings that he could not handle feeling. Thinking about food all the time, and obsessing over every little thing, was way easier than remembering the bad things that happened to him, and how shitty he felt about himself. It was his way of getting power back from the people who had done him wrong in his life. He felt powerless, and this was a way for him to feel powerful. It was his way to punish himself for being such a "bad" and undeserving person. He didn't deserve food. He didn't deserve the care he was receiving. He didn't believe that he deserved to be here. Subconsciously, it was his way of disappearing.

 

The most powerful of all though, was that it was a cry for help.

 

The deterioration of the physical appearance was something concrete, that people notice. The irony was that Alex didn't think he deserved help, but inside he was praying for someone to just take the pain away.

 

Alex had never told John, or Laf, or Herc about anything that he endured during his childhood. He couldn't let them see how weak he was, or how "bad" he was. He wore a mask of strength, confidence, and productivity, while ironically he felt the complete opposite. No one heard the negative self-hatred going through his head 24/7. He couldn't let them see the mess that he truly was. It would put him at a risk of history repeating itself. If he trusted people; if he was vulnerable, something bad could happen to him. Again. His guard had to be left up.

 

 

_June 30th 2016:_

_My thoughts after I slipped up:_

_Fuck... Goddammit Alex you just can't do anything right can you? You fucking piece of shit. You sensitive bastard. You short tempered aggravating ball of crap. No body cares about you. You don't deserve to be heard. Stay silent, of course, because you are worth nothing. Keep the anger as a shield. Nobody has to know how you really feel and they won't. You can't let your guard down. John can't know. Laf can't know. Mulligan can't know. Jefferson, Aaron... even Washington can NEVER know. Okay, you fuck? Now your stomach hurts and you feel dizzy, see what an idiot you are? But it feels... It feels good. Oh no... God Alex no. This shouldn't feel good but it does. I can already feel myself going into a downward spiral... It already worries everyone that you won't eat, but now you had to go and do this. Are you really that stupid?! Okay, yes you are but really? It's hard enough hiding not eating; now you have to hide everything. Keep the shield. Protect yourself. You're smart. You know exactly what to do. I can't worry them any farther. It'll make me more of a burden than I already am... Maybe if you keep this up you'll disappear... Isn't that how this started anyway? Self-punishment? But it's not a punishment if you're truly a disgusting human being. This body of yours isn't for anyone to see. You are disgusting. You are horrific. You are a monster. If you disappear it'll be great. Keep you safe. Protect yourself from... mistreatment. You won't have to be vulnerable. You can be numb. A hollow shell... but isn't that already what you are? Well it'll just keep working if you keep doing this. Then you won't have to worry about any of this again because you'll be gone. Alexander Hamilton will be gone, and you'll be safe from everything. You won't have to cover up any more with anger. You won't have to lie to everyone... But for now, you do, so I guess let's get to it... Shield on. Ready? Shit, your eyes are glassy and red. Fuck. Can you pretend you drank something and that's why? John wouldn't question you. You are a complete idiot. You know for a fact John is not stupid..._

 

  
Oh... Yeah... Slipping...

 

After a year of "doing well", it was becoming harder and harder for Alex to actually keep up his act. Still being resistant to the "help", he let it show. Of course, there was the part of him that didn't want John to worry, and he didn't want John to see him slipping. He didn't want to cause John any more pain than he already had, but the problem with eating disorders is that they are addictive. They grab onto you so quickly, so fast, and before you know it, you are brought back down the black hole, and you don't know if there is any way to get out of it.

 

Alex began to think back to the doctor's appointment that he had earlier in the day. He had decided to journal about it right after he came home.

 

  
_July 18th 2016:_

_Well as soon as I thought today couldn't get any worse, it got worse. For some reason, every time I see my doctor, I leave wanting to cry my eyes out or I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Today was probably one of the worst meetings with him because ... #1: I was so close to punching the man, and #2: I almost had a panic attack in his office. I knew I had gained weight, and I was right. But mister doctor asshole over here had to keep obnoxiously repeating_

_"You are underweight."_

 

 _"_ _You are too skinny."_

 

_"Alexander, you are not healthy."_

_That is literally all I heard from that damn doctor. Of course I believe all of that is complete bullshit, but there was no point in arguing (yes, I actually didn't argue back. I was fed up), because he kept repeating himself. THEN he decided to bring up living in a nursing home (when I mentioned being XXXlbs), because that's where I would be right now if I was that sick. My anxiety was rising real fast, and it didn't seem like it would stop any time soon, especially when he started listing all of the organs that I was damaging by starving myself._

  
_"Your heart...kidneys...pancreas..."_

  
_"You had protein in your urine."_

  
_"Your heart rate was low."_

  
_"You were losing bone!"_

  
_That was overwhelming---and a little fucking scary, especially because of how concerned he sounded and looked; and also because I didn't know what it meant to have protein in your pee. I thought it was like ketones, but he said it's worse than that. My kidneys couldn't function right because of starvation. He said he doesn't want to see me years from now in the hospital on dialysis...(yes I know what that means.) That hit me hard._

  
_I can't tell John._

 

Hearing all of the medical complications wasn't something new to him. It was almost something he started blocking out because of how often he was lectured about it. The same thoughts ran through his head.

 

It will never happen to me.

 

It never did happen to me.

 

I never got bad.

 

I won't get that bad, so stop telling me I will.

 

Maybe part of it was because he didn't want people worrying about him. Maybe part of it was because he was actually scared of it happening to him. There was one thing Alex did know though.

 

He didn't know how long he would be able to keep up hiding this relapse from John.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can kill me........ sorrrrryyyyyyy. i would be lying if i said i wasn't getting kinda emotional writing this  
> #whoops


	3. Promises In The Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> obsessive routines, emotions, a lot of anxiety, laf and herc being worried dads, and a dinner with the squad that went.... not as planned
> 
> WARNING: panic attack types of things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY!!! Thank you SO MUCH for all of the kudos and to any one who subscribed to me! it honestly means SO much! i didn't expect people to actually read this! so thank you <3  
> So this took a while to write because I've been mapping out the story and was kinda getting ahead of myself... planning out chapters and scenes for WAY future chapters, so I was having a little bit of trouble getting back to the present moment in this, but I DID it!!  
> Also it may seem like things are escalating quickly but I have a reason for that.  
> this will be long.... Like the story will because I'm planning on having three stages of it (illness, rock bottom, recovery/therapy) if ya know what i mean .  
> AND LIKEEEE things have to get worse before they get better! (and yes I'm speaking from my own recovery experience that yes, it gets A LOT WORSE before it got better.) so pretty much I have a lot planned for you and i hope you like it :)  
> love you guys

"Alex...."

All John got was a muffled groan from Alex, who was laying flat on his stomach, face buried into his pillow, and the covers securely wrapped around him, making him look like a burrito. John thought he looked adorable. He decided to take a step further and ruffle his hair.

"Alex... C'mon get up sleepy head..."

Another groan.

"Mhmm... Cozy..."

John took a peek at the time and knew that would solve the problem.

"It's almost 12:30---"

As expected, Alex jumped up in an instant, hair wild and eyes wide, like he had just heard the most catastrophic news.

"WHAT."

_Well, that did it._

John couldn't hold in his smirk, and giggled.

"Woah, woah, it's okay. We're not going anywhere. You're not missing out on anything important. God forbid you rest for once in your life."

Alex rolled his eyes.

_Yeah, god forbid._

  
Alex had his reasons for everything, and his reasoning and intense reactions about sleeping late were way more complicated than John knew. Of course, John was right about him not wanting to waste time or miss out on anything juicy that could have happened while he was sleeping. Of course it wasn't a new story that Alex had a strong resistance to resting, or ANY kind of self-care, really, but what John didn't know was the rigid obsessiveness that played into his routine every morning. He didn't know the immense amount of exhaustion that Alex felt as soon as he opened his eyes. He didn't feel the dizziness upon standing, or cramping in his legs which were sometimes too painful to even be able to move to get out of bed. He didn't know that the first thing Alex would do when he got up was go into the kitchen, pour himself a bowl of cereal, let the cereal get soggy in the milk, only to pour it out in the garbage, concealing it well in a bundle of napkins, leaving remnants of the food in the bowl, as an illusion that he had eaten. John didn't know how Alex would force himself outside for a brisk run, most of the time with no water, no matter what the temperature. By the time he would come back, Alex would have palpitations and most of the time would actually feel like he was on the brink of death. Sweating. Dizzy. Fatigued. Nauseous. Sometimes he would begin dry heaving out in the corner of a building, due to dehydration and electrolyte imbalances. John didn't know that when Alex showered after the run, his legs would feel like jelly and sometimes they would actually give up on him, leading him to need to sit down and take a few deep breaths to make the lightheadness go away.

John knew none of it.

For Alex, it had all become so normal. It had become habitual, so much that when there was a break in the structure, it would feel very uncomfortable, and feelings of being out of control would spin in his head. Being out of control meant being powerless, because you can't control anything when everything is out of your control. That's how Alex felt that morning. Waking up at 12:30 meant that there was no way of getting out of eating in front of John, and also meant he couldn't wear his body out to death... Not that he liked doing that.

He didn't.

In fact, Alex always had a huge feeling of DREAD every moment he woke up in the morning, because he KNEW what was going to HAVE to happen. The dangerous behaviors, after engaging in for a prolonged time, became compulsions; things that you absolutely HAVE to do. It didn't mean he wanted to do them. The thing with addiction is that once you're in too deep, it gets way harder to get out. Alex didn't like purging. He didn't like exhausting himself to the bone. He didn't like having to lie to people all the time. He HATED it. He dreaded the times when he would do it, because he HATED the way it made him feel. It felt disgusting. It felt chaotic. It felt PAINFUL. It felt TORTUROUS. But, once again, when you are in too deep, you cannot get out. It didn't matter how horrible it felt. It didn't matter how much pain, emotionally and physically, Alex was in. He couldn't stop doing it to himself. The false sense of power it gave him was an ironic distortion, as in reality the more he gave into it, the LESS control he had, because now the disorder was controlling him.

He knew his energy was depleting, and rationally that is exactly what caused him to sleep until 12:30pm.

"I made breakfast, but wasn't gonna make you get up for it, you can eat it now!"

John was way too cheery sometimes, but isn't that what he loved about him.

"Give me a few minutes. I'll be right there."

It had been months since Alex had begun slipping. Despite the addictive cycle, he was able to recognize the toll it was taking on him. When he saw his reflection, he was able to see that he did look... well... sick. Maybe not in the way that everyone else saw, but to some extent. The dark circles were progressively worse. His hair was becoming stringy, tangled, and, to his surprise, thinner. He saw how worn out he looked, and he knew it had to be pretty obvious to the people who saw him too. They either saw and just didn't say anything, or they were completely oblivious and blind.

John wasn't oblivious or blind.  John noticed.  John knew.

John knew more than Alex thought he knew.

John saw the deterioration in Alex's appearance. He noticed the signs that his body was becoming worn out. The shivering in bed the one night had stuck in his mind ever since. Shivering signaled that the body didn't have enough fat, which is the body's insulation, which causes the person to be cold all the time. It also meant that Alex's blood pressure could have been low, and drops in blood pressure are a common red flag.

Maybe John hadn't said anything because he didn't want to believe it was happening again. He didn't want to believe that Alex was giving himself to this disorder, and destroying himself more and more every minute that it went on. Maybe he was just too terrified of what could happen; the fear of the unknown. The pain John felt every day, knowing that there probably wasn't anything he could do to stop this was unbearable. It took him a ton of effort to remain calm and put on a mask of strength, when in reality he was crumbling inside from seeing someone he loved hurting himself. Being in denial protected him from having to feel this, but at the same time, there was no way he couldn't ignore it. He just had to find a less direct way of confronting it. Alex's resistance held him back. It was a natural reaction that John knew would come, and he had a feeling there had to be something below that surface. However, that wasn't his job to figure out, as much as he kept thinking about it.

"It's about time you decided to join me!"

Alex had reluctantly convinced himself to drag his body into the kitchen, as much as the dread awaited him, he knew he couldn't avoid everything. He knew John wasn't an idiot.

"Mhmmm...." A huge yawn escaped his lips, as he looked around for a coffee mug, "Man I need coffee."

"Already got that covered."

_Of course he did._

"You're a life saver."

He took a seat at the table across from John, as he began to fill his mug with the much needed caffeine. He stared at the plate of sausage and eggs that John had placed in front of him, forcing a smile, thoughts racing, but John's voice caught his attention.

"So I was thinking... Dinner tonight with Laf and Herc? It's been a few weeks."

_Oh._

_Ha. Ha._

_Alex don't freak out._

"Uh yeah, sure! Of course! That sounds great!"

He didn't realize how fast his words came out of his mouth, but John did.

"You okay? You sound a little nervous?"

_Well OF COURSE John would notice._

_Leave it to John. God knows what else John knows._

_S_ _hit. What does he know?_

_Okay, Alex, chill out._

_Seriously. You're making this more awkward._

"No I'm great." _Maybe._ "Seriously. Don't worry about me. I'm just disoriented... Ya know... waking up LATE and stuff."

John nodded, but didn't seem as convinced as Alex wanted.

"Alright."

 

* * *

 

"So, dinner at 6 tonight still good?"

"Oui oui, mon ami. Of course!"

Since Alex was in the shower, John thought it seemed like the perfect time to have a conference call with Laf and Herc.

"Has he been doing okay? It's been a few weeks..."

John had confided in both Laf and Hercules about noticing Alex slipping again. They were the only two that he had mentioned it to, and they were equally as concerned, making sure to check in with John often. They didn't see much of Alex, due to the depressive isolating, which involved digging himself into his work and his job, hardly ever coming out. Sleeping in his office had become a thing again, but sadly, it wasn't a shock to John, Laf, or Herc.

"He actually ate breakfast today... Well lunch. I don't know what you call it when you wake up at 12:30, but whatever it is, he ate!"

"Brunch?"

"Oh mon ami! That's good news!"

Herc's confused tone broke in.

"Woah. He woke up at 12:30?"

John sighed, "Yeah... Surprising right?"

Laf's tone sounded somber.

"That is very unlike Alex, but not that much of a shock when your body is exhausted... You know... Lack of vitamins... Minerals... Everything..."

"I mean also, how many nights had he been in his office? God knows how much he slept, if he did at all."

Herc had a point. When Alex worked, that's all he did.

"He looks worn out, Herc. Pretty bad. I guess I should just warn you ahead of time. He doesn't look good. I don't want you guys to freak out. I know that's hard. It's hard for me too, because we care... But... I want him to feel comfortable. He sounded nervous when I told him about dinner. Not surprised, but... You know..."

"Of course, mon ami."

"He'll be on our radar though..."

John sighed, sadly.

"I know. I know."

 

* * *

 

The minute Alex stepped foot into the diner, Laf felt sick.

"Merde..."

"Laf, we talked about this."

That was probably the only time Hercules had ever whispered.

"I know mon ami... I know. I'm just scared Herc."

"I am too. We all are."

Alex and John had joined the two of them at a round table in the corner, right by a window, which gave them a beautiful view of the city. They all got comfortable, ordered their food, and had nice conversations. They had some laughs, and it felt really nice. All four of them chilling out together, forgetting about the demands of life for an hour. Everything was great. Alex was smiling. Alex was eating. Well, he ordered not the MOST ideal meal... But he was eating. That's what counted right?

Yeah, everything was great until Alex suddenly stood up.

"I'll be right back."

_Shit._

John's automatic instinct was to jump up, but Laf stopped him before he could.

"John."

He grabbed his hand and squeezed it, as Herc started talking.

"You know he's gonna do it. We can't stop him right now. I know you want to. I want to. Laf wants to. But, we can't.

It was taking John a lot of effort to hold back the tears welling in his eyes. His heart had began to pound out of his chest.

_Breathe... Breathe..._

It wasn't working. Nothing was working.

"John... Are you with us?"

"Un... Deux... Trois... Can you breathe with me?"

He couldn't because he had already jumped out of his seat, finding his way towards the bathroom. Laf and Herc slowly trailed behind.

"John... Come back to the table."

"I can't. Just let me ease into it."

It turns out there was a line for the bathroom, and Alex was the second person in that line. John took that advantage and began trying to make small talk. It didn't come out as smoothly as he wanted.

"Soooo.... Alex. Wanna come back to the table? I mean, didn't you just go to the bathroom?"

He sounded like a nervous wreck.

"Uh... Actually I didn't... And my bladder is pretty full right now and I would rather not pee on you--"

Of course, that hint of sarcasm was always there.

John noticed someone come out of the bathroom, which raised his anxiety more, as he slowly walked closer to it.

"Um, what are you doing?"

"Oh, I, Uh, it smells really nice over here!"

_Seriously?_

"Well, are you gonna move? Cause someone is gonna come out, and I'm gonna go in."

He noticed how uncomfortable Alex was beginning to look.

_Oh god John. Think of something decent to say. Don't sound stupid._

He took a breath and sighed.

"Alex..."

As soon as he was about to speak, the next person walked out, which meant that Alex was about to go in.

Well, he actually wasn't, because now John was totally blocking the whole door with a smile on his face.

"Okay, John this is getting ridiculous. What are you doing?"

Alex sounded aggravated now. John couldn't take it any more. He ended up saying what he was trying not to say.

"I know what you're gonna do in there."

Alex looked stunned.

Alex was stunned.

_John knew?_

"Alex."

_Fuck....._

"Ok John, you can leave now. I don't need you hovering over me. I'm an adult, thank you, and good bye."

He started to push John off of the door, but John was adamant.

"No."

"What?"

"You don't need to do this...."

He sounded scared now.

Alex was panicking. He felt trapped. He used the instinct that always worked best... Arguing.

"John..." His voice was low, "Let me into the damn bathroom."

If Alex was panicking, John was panicking too.

"I can't Alex! I'm just trying to help you!"

He was beginning to lose it, and the tears started falling.

"JOHN."

_Shit, was that Herc?_

"No."

"JOHN!"

"Alex, no."

Laf, Herc, and John could have sworn they heard a crack in Alex's voice.

"I need to go in there!"

They did, and it broke their hearts.

John couldn't move from the door. He physically couldn't. The protective side of him was strong and he could not move an inch away. Alex was getting hysterical.

"LET ME IN THE BATHROOM GOD DAMMIT!"

"John. Mon ami, let him go."

Laf's voice sounded sad. It sounded somber. It sounded meloncholy, but John was able to register it, and he began to move away, as Laf started rubbing circles in his back. John was shaking, and Laf sat him down in a corner of the building with Herc.

He closed his eyes and took a breath.

"I... I'm just so scared. I am fucking terrified."

His voice was weaker and scratchier than he thought it would be.

"Mon ami... We are just as scared as you are... We know this is serious. But the ultimate decision is up to him. If he doesn't want the help, we can't do anything about it."

"But that's exactly it! How could he not want help? Does he know what he's doing to himself? Does he know what could happen if he KEEPS doing this?!"

Hercules sighed.

"Alex is a smart man... He knows what he's doing. He either doesn't want to stop, or he just can't stop. It's the sad truth John."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was honestly feeling a lot of emotions writing this ngl  
> i honestly find it really theraputic and thats a huge reason why im doing this ;)  
> #RECOVERY


	4. Lose Yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! im aliveeee!  
> i was having issues finding motivation to write, things have been really hard lately. anxiety and depression have been fueling trauma stuff and i got kicked out of my house .... so.... not a great week , BUT im happy i found motivation to continue!
> 
> this is a filler chapter and it was hard to fill the gaps but i needed it so 
> 
> love yous!

_chapped lips._

_dark circles._

_boring days._

_anxious nights._

_dangerous habits_

_and thoughts_

_slipping back into my mind_

_how much longer_

_do I have to do this?_

 

* * *

Two weeks.

 

It had been two weeks since the incident at the diner, and Alex was isolating more than ever. He couldn't bear to show himself for more than minutes at a time. Whether he was in his work office or in his bedroom, he was always working. If he wasn't working for his job, he was writing. It was one of his only ways he could keep his mind occupied so he wouldn't have to dwell on all of his negative thoughts. Sure, they were always there, but at least when he was working, he had something else to think about.

 

Every since the incident, he felt fear weigh heavier on him. For Alex, fear was one of the hardest emotions to face. His mind worked in two ways. Either he acted extremely snappy and irritable to cover it up, or he just would mentally check out and physically shut himself out so no one would have to witness it. He felt too vulnerable and ashamed to show himself, or even talk to people at that matter. In fact, he hadn't spoken to Laf or Herc since.

 

John felt at a loss. Laf and Herc had finally been able to convince him to not fight with Alex and try to get him to come out and talk. They knew him well enough that it would just bring out the resistant stronger. When they attempted to force Alex to do things, the chance of him actually doing it were sadly minuscule. It came off as anger, of course, but the three of them knew that there was something under it, and getting Alex to open up would be a long, ongoing, struggle.

 

So yes, John let him be, but that did not mean he wasn't constantly worrying 24/7 any more. Naturally, he grew even more concerned that he was before, just having the unknown in front of his face. He really had no idea what was going on in the room, or when he was at work. He did know that nothing was changing from before with his eating habits, or work habits in this case, but they could have gotten worse for all he knew. That's what he feared.

 

Alex really hated this. He hated the way everything made him feel. He hated locking himself away and shutting himself out from John, and everyone, but it was the only way he could protect himself right now. If John saw how weak and vulnerable he was, what would be do? He would probably leave him. Who wants to live with such a fucked up mess of a person who can't even handle his own mind?

 

_I'm fucking inadequate and worthless and no one likes me. I'm so ugly and disgusting and have no good qualities. .. Everyone else is better than me and I'm just an annoying obnoxious burden that people are forced to deal with. I suck at everything, including my eating disorder, when that was the one thing I was actually good at. Now I am closer than ever to losing it because they just want to take that from me and I feel threatened and vulnerable. Do they not understand that? I feel like a tiny ant in a world of cockroaches. My mind is betraying me and is making me feel like I am going insane, and it won't stop. How do you make it stop?_

 

He wanted it to all stop. It felt more torturous as the time went on. As the days passed, the intrusive thoughts got stronger, and all Alex wanted to do was to shut his mind up. Just make it stop. Silence it. At work, he went out of his way to find more things to do, just for the sake of doing something. Sleeping was not an option. Laying down with the emotions and thoughts running through his head was not an option. That's why he needed to keep himself busy.

 

At this point, the thoughts weren't about the food, because being busy just caused him to forget to eat. He wasn't even feeling his hunger any more.

 

This method was working well for him, until he got a call from his doctor, when he was at work, reminding him that he had a scheduled appointment for blood-work.

 

That was definitely not what he had planned for the day ahead of him.

  
* * *

 

John's day went the same as any other day the past two weeks. He woke up, went to work, came home to Alex not being around, and called Laf and Herc.

 

"No he didn't come down."

 

John really didn't know how long he would be able to go without confronting Alex again. The worrying was really eating him alive.

 

"It's normal to be concerned, John."

 

"Yeah I know Herc, but this has been over two weeks now! Has he spoken to either of you?"

 

Laf's voice broke in, "No."

 

John sighed.

 

"The only time I see him is when he's sleeping. That's it!"

 

He was really trying to be calm about this.

 

Laf's voice was always so soothing.

 

"I know you're upset, John, but remember. If you try to force him out, he'll stay in longer."

 

John's tension grew stronger.

 

"I just don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to stay quiet about it."

 

"I could feel you cringing John." Herc always sensed certain things, "Try to take slow breaths. Ease the tension."

 

He cringed even more.

 

"I wish it was that easy..."

 

"It will get easier, mon ami."

 

He wanted to believe that. He really wished he could believe it.

 

"Are you breathing?"

 

He let out a sigh.

 

"Trying."

 

His voice sounded small. He was really just tired, and wanted to sleep.

 

"We'll let you sleep, John. Call us tomorrow okay?"

 

"Of course Laf."

 

"Fais de beaux rêves."

 

John hung up the phone, and went in his room. Alex was curled up asleep on the bed against the wall. That's how it always was when he was home. He sighed and curled up on the other side, praying that his anxiety wouldn't keep him awake.

  
* * *

_I'm full of hate._

 

_I'm full of disgust._

 

_I'm full of tears._

 

_I'm full of fear._

 

_I'm full of sadness._

 

_I'm full of pain._

  
* * *

  
Alex woke up the next morning with a severe pounding headache. He had actually managed to get a few hours of sleep, and didn't realize the level of exhaustion he had felt until he got home from work, and plopped on the bed. He had made sure to schedule the blood-work appointment for a time when John wasn't home, so there wouldn't be any way of him knowing about it, and he wouldn't have to see him. He wouldn't be asking any questions. Man, he was sick of the interrogation, and even though it was getting better, he still just didn't want the attention to be on him.

 

He groaned as he got out of bed and looked at himself in the mirror, visibly cringing. He really did look like hell. He wouldn't even sugarcoat it at this point. Maybe that was another reason he didn't want to be seen. He didn't want to scare people away.

 

He felt like hell too. He was finding random bruises scattered around his body, and had no idea where they came from. He realized it was probably from his body's lack of certain vitamins, and it made him bruise easily. He could deal with it. He always did.

 

He got dressed quickly, putting on a plain t-shirt and sweats, grabbed a water bottle, and walked out the door.

  
* * *

After sitting in the waiting area for 20 minutes, Alex was finally called in. His doctor smiled at him and led the way to the lab.

 

"Hamilton! Good to see you showed up."

 

Alex looked at him, confused.

 

"What? Did you not think I would be here?"

 

"Never know with you."

 

Alex let out a laugh. It was true. He just didn't like being called out on things.

 

They entered the room and Alex took a seat in the lab chair, heart beating faster than it was before. He looked down and started shaking his leg. His doctor must have noticed because he looked at him, concerned.

 

"You okay?"

 

Alex looked up.

 

"Yeah I'm fine." A yawn escaped his lips. "I'm just tired."

 

That wasn't a complete lie. He was tired, but he wasn't going to start telling his doctor about his anxiety, and why he feared doctors and hospitals. That would be embarrassing. He hadn't even told John.

 

"So, how have you been?"

 

His doctor walked over, holding a few clear tubes, a tourniquet, and a needle.

 

Alex sighed.

 

"Fine. Nothing too exciting. Same old, same old."

 

That received a nod from the doctor, as he began to wrap the tourniquet around Alex's arm.

 

"How's John?"

 

_What?_

 

In reality, when Alex thought about it, he didn't really know how John was, considering he had hardly seen him because of all of the isolating.

 

He forced a smile, "He's good."

 

Short answers. Small talk. He really didn't want to be asked a lot of questions. He just wanted to get this over it and go home.

 

It took all of the strength that Alex had to not flinch as the doctor poked the needle through his arm. He noticed it hurt way more than usual. That was going to definitely leave a bruise.

 

"Have you been drinking enough lately?"

 

_Great._

 

_Here he goes._

 

"Why?"

 

"Your blood seems really concentrated. I was also having a little trouble grasping your vein."

 

_That's probably why it hurt so much going in._

 

"Trying to."

 

The doctor finished off the first tube, and grabbed the second one.

 

"I have to take 4 of these. Are you feeling okay? You look pale."

 

Alex took a deep breath. He was feeling dizzy and it was getting worse, but he could manage it. He just needed this to be fast.

 

"I'm okay. It happens every time I get blood-work done."

 

"Take some sips of your water if you're feeling lightheaded or nauseous. It'll make your blood flow better too."

 

He had forgotten he brought his water with him, and he followed the doctor's instructions.

 

By the time he was finished with the water, the doctor was done. He took the needle out, which stung real bad, and bandaged him up, letting him out the door.

 

"Have a good rest of the day. If anything comes back abnormal I'll give you a call."

 

Alex nodded, gripping his phone in his left hand.

 

"Thanks. See you."

 

_Thank god._

 

_That was... awkward._

 

_He probably caught onto you, Alex._

 

_No._

 

_Chill out._

 

He really wanted to deny the fear that was there, but he couldn't. He wasn't stupid, and every doctor's visit brought him anxiety. He really hoped he wasn't fucking his body up more than he thought.

 

_You dealt with it._

 

_You can do it again._

 

On the other side, he had the minimizing thoughts. This happens to everyone. Why should he worry about it? He would figure out ways to fix it himself if something did come up.

 

He didn't really think anything would come up to be THAT bad.

 

He didn't really think anything would come up at all.

 

His thoughts were always conflicting. It was literally him arguing with himself 24/7. If he wrote a dialogue out, it would sound like two people talking to each other.

 

He tried to block them out, but the whole car ride home was torturous. It left him sitting with everything, and his anxiety grabbed onto him real quick, once he pulled into his driveway.

 

Despite the two conflicting voices, there was one voice right then that was distinct.

 

The doctor's voice repeated in his head.

 

_"If anything comes up abnormal, I'll give you a call."_

 

He really HOPED he wouldn't get a call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yea. leave comments or kudos if you like :)
> 
> you guys help keep me going! ! !


	5. The Price

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things kinda go to shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the subscriptions and kudos!! means so much :)

It wasn't too long after that he heard his cell phone ringing.

Alex was sitting at the desk in his room, laptop in front of his face, and coffee in his hand. The minute he got home from the lab, he had begun editing a very important paper that he had to give to Washington at work tomorrow. There was already limited time to finish it, and maybe it was partially his fault for looking over it almost 5 times, but he could not waste any more time. He pondered on why whoever was calling him couldn't have waited a few hours later, as if they knew that he was working on something SO VERY important. He took a deep breath, let out a sigh, and reluctantly reached his arm out to his phone.

He really was not in the mood to talk to any one.

"Hello?"

He was exhausted and irritated, and probably sounded like it.

"Alexander... It's your doctor."

Shit. He was NOT expecting that.

He started to feel his heart begin to pound a little harder, and his mind had begun to race.

"I'm calling you because your bloodwork came back and I would like to discuss the results with you."

_Seriously? It couldn't wait?_

He immediately tried to calm his racing thoughts and pounding heart, but his words still came out choppy and rushed.

"Can it wait? It is urgent, because I have a lot of things I have to do."

His question was quickly answered, and to his disgust it was exactly what he didn't want to hear.

"I would consider this urgent. Many of your blood levels came back abnormal."

_Fuck._

_Okay._

_How are you gonna do this?_

The pounding in his heart got worse, and the thoughts in his mind raced faster. He was having a hard time formulating a response.

_Just say something. Say something god dammit!_

He took a breath.

"What does that mean?"

_Oh my god, seriously? You couldn't think of anything else?_

"Some of your blood levels are in the critical zone. You are at a potential risk of something serious happening."

_Here he goes with the medical shit again._

"I think I'll be okay. This has happened before and I was fine."

"No Alex. Listen..."

_Oh shit._

"...When blood levels come back this bad, we usually send patients to the ER to get fluids. Sometimes they even need to get admitted to normalize them."

_WHAT._

"No. No way."

"Alex, please hear me out-"

Okay. Breathe.

"There is no way I'm going to the hospital. Not happening. I'm sorry."

"Alexander, please think this over."

_Deep breaths... Deep breaths..._

"I am very busy! I can't waste time in the hospital! I have a very demanding job----"

"What's more important here? Your job or your health?! Alexander, put your health first for once in your life!"

"I'll be fine."

"Alexander."

"Thank you for informing me but I have to go. Have a good day."

The second he hung up the phone, Alex let out a frustrated groan and let his head was lay in his knees. He threw his phone across the room. He wanted nothing to do with it.

_People need to leave me alone._

His frustration got stronger, and breathing was becoming a little difficult. He tried taking deep breaths but he couldn't seem to get air in.

_Breathe._

He did not need to go to the hospital.

He couldn't go to the hospital.

Hospitals are scary.

_Breathe._

There was so much work to do.

Washington would kill him if he didn't get this done.

What if Washington found out about this?

_Fuck._

Washington probably already knew.

_Breathe._

 

* * *

 

Ring...Ring...Ring...

From a distance, Alex could hear his phone ringing again, but he wasn't planning on answering it. He was in a too anxious state. He couldn't form words, let alone clear thoughts. He was still on the ground, head in his knees, trying to compose himself.

"Alexander, it's your doctor. Please reconsider your decision. I don't want something happening to you that could be prevented and treated. Call me back if you've heard this."

Maybe if he was in a calmer state, he would have listened to his voicemails.

His whole body was shaking. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't shut his mind up.

Maybe if he was in a calmer state, he would have realized how much time went by from when he got the call from the doctor.

His chest started burning. He was sweating. His whole body felt hot.

He would have realized that it had been hours.

The pain in his chest got worse, as his breathing got more and more shallow. His energy felt like it was depleting, and soon it felt like it would use too much energy to take a breath.

Was he having a panic attack?

Everything around him was blurring. His body was feeling heavier and heavier, and waves of nausea were passing by, being more painful because there was nothing in his stomach at all, besides coffee.

He couldn't even hold himself up any more, and let himself fall to the floor.

Maybe if he was in a calmer state, he would have been able to see that this was a medical emergency, and that this wasn't only a panic attack.

But he couldn't see any of that, because now he was on the floor of his room, curled up on his side, shaking and moaning in agonizing pain.

And he did not need any one to see him like that.

 

* * *

 

"John, are you coming?"

John had been distracted by the music blasting in Laf's car that he didn't realize that they had arrived at his apartment. Laf had been nice and offered to give him a ride home after a long day at work. He was grateful to have a friend like him.

Hercules had come with Laf because John had invited them both over to spend the night with him and Alex. They didn't have the opportunity often because of their strict work schedules, but Friday nights were almost always an exception. Not only that, but maybe if they came to the house, Alex would actually show himself.

The minute they stepped foot in the apartment, John set his bag down and sighed. It felt good to be able to relax.

"Where's Alex?"

"Oh, don't worry about it Herc.  I texted him earlier to let him know you guys were coming.  He might have gotten distracted or something."

That wasn't an odd occurance. It happened almost every time John came home.

"Hey Alex! We're here!"

There wasn't much time to wait for a response before the red light flashing on the answer machine caught Laf's eye.

"John, there's a voicemail."

"Lemme hear it."

As soon as the first sentence played, he regretted his decision.

"Hi Alexander. It's your doctor."

That earned confused looks from the three of them.

"I tried calling you on your cell, but couldn't seem to reach you, so I am trying your home. Please reconsider going to the hospital. Your blood levels came back severely abnormal. Some reached a critical point. This is actually considered a medical emergency and you are at risk of something happening. Go before it's too late. Give me a call when you have made your decision."

The second that voicemail ended, John could have sworn he lost the ability to breathe. His face lost all color and his heart must have skipped a few beats.

He never would have thought that a voicemail would send the whole world crashing down.

 

* * *

 

The three of them were frozen in shock. Shock. Fear. Confusion. Denial.

John was frozen in his tracks, but at the same time it felt like everything was moving around him. He could hardly find his voice, and the next thing he felt were a set of arms around him, steadying him.

"Laf...."

His voice was weak and scared.

Laf wasn't much calmer.

"Did he tell you anything? Is he home? Is----"

Before he could say anything else, Laf's voice was cut off, and John escaped from his arms, heart beating fast, and panic in his voice.

"ALEX?"

_How could he not tell them about this? When did he get bloodwork? Did he even listen to the doctor's voicemails? Had the doctor tried calling him more than twice? Had he even spoken to him? Was he even home?!_

"Hey man. It'll be okay. We just gotta find him."

"What if it's NOT okay Herc?!"

John was frantic. His anxiety was keeping him from being able to think rationally and formulate clear sentences. Before he knew it, he had paced around the whole lower level of the apartment, frantically screaming Alex's name.

There had been no response, and the world was spinning right before his eyes.

That's when he heard a moan from upstairs.

Apparently, Laf and Herc did too.

They began slowly walking towards the stairs.

"Mon ami..."

The fear in Laf's voice was piercing, but at the same time it was hesistant and small.

"...Alex?"

Hercules seemed to always be the calm one in the group, but it didn't seem like that's how it would be that day. He was panicking and had a sick feeling in his stomach. When he was anxious he was at a loss for works and couldn't find his voice.

Something wasn't right and it was scaring the crap out of them.

"Someone needs to go up there."

"I'll do it."

John's anxiety had skyrocketed and he rushed up the stairs, almost tripping on himself, but his mind was in a crisis and he could have cared less.

"ALEX!"

He made it to the door of their room, and saw that it was half open, which was odd because usually Alex would keep it locked if he was working so no one would disturb him.

"Alex!"

John took a breath, and in the midst of his panic, he slipped in and closed his eyes, praying that what he saw wouldn't be as bad as he was anticipating.

"Alex....."

He was wrong.

Alex was sprawled out on the floor of the bedroom, wearing a huge hoodie, with the hood over his head. His whole body was shaking, curled up into itself, as his face was scrutched up in pain, with his hand clutching his chest. His breathing was shallow, and he sounded like he was wheezing every time he tried taking a breath. The most disturbing for John though, were the painful moaning noises that escaped Alex's mouth.

John's heart was in his throat, and he ran over to him, falling onto his knees.

"Alex."

He was panicking.

"Alex. Can you hear me? It's John."

He could hear him. He just couldn't formulate words. Devastating gasping noises came out of his mouth instead, as he felt John's hand rub through his hair. It usually calmed him, but it couldn't in that moment. Nothing would.

"J...John... I..."

Before he could say anything else, John had jumped to the door. His small, weak voice was muffled with tears.

"Laf... Herc..."

That would not get their attention. He summoned up the strength and screamed.

"LAF. HERC. SOMEONE CALL 9-1-1!"

"John..."

Alex's desperate voice broke John's heart. He was in so much agony and he couldn't do anything about it. He ran right back to him, kneeling down beside him.

"I'm here, Alex. I'm here..."

The pain was getting worse, and Alex's vision was becoming very blurry. It was becoming hard to hear things. He tried his best to get words out.

"John... It hurts..."

Every time he tried to speak, a sharp jab of pain smacked him in his chest.

John was trying to remain calm, but it just wasn't working. He couldn't remain calm. He tried his best to comfort Alex, but he knew nothing he would do would be able to save him from this.

"Okay...Okay... You're going to be okay..."

He wouldn't, but he wanted to convince himself that he would. He also didn't want to scare Alex even more than he already was, and he knew how it made Alex feel safe when he spoke to him.

The second the most heartbreaking moan Alex had ever made came out of his mouth, John had him cradled in his arms tightly, crying. He couldn't hold it in any more.

"I got you Alex..."

Through muffled sobs, he was still desperately attempting to provide Alex with the comfort and safety that he knew he needed right now.

He wasn't even sure if Alex would be able to understand him, but he kept talking.

"You're going to the hospital... We're getting you help. It's gonna be okay."

Alex's tears ran harder, as he clutched onto John tighter; vision almost completely black.

"I love you, Alex... I got you... I got you..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah.... next update might take a while but ill make sure to get it in.
> 
> you guys mean the world! thanks for reading :)


	6. Keep It Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> every time he was in the hospital, someone he loved died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a little hard to write because it brought back some memories of my own, but i did it!
> 
> once again huge thanks for the kudos and subscriptions! you guys rock!

John fought tooth and nail to be allowed in the ambulance when the paramedics arrived.

They showed up to John cradling Alex with tears running down his face, not wanting to let go of him. His protectiveness and anxiety had kept him from making rational decisions in his mind, and he almost wouldn't let the paramedics take Alex from him. When they finally were able to, screams and incoherent yells escaped John's mouth, desperately trying to let himself into the ambulance. He wasn't making sense, with his words half flooded with tears. One paramedic had to do breathing techniques with him to calm him down enough to allow him in. Once he was calmer, he was led through the back of the ambulance where Alex was.

John had to keep his anxiety under control, but seeing Alex in the state he was in was making it harder than ever. Alex was plopped down on the stretcher, slipping in and out of consciousness as the paramedics worked on him, placing in an IV and preparing a heart monitor. From what John could see, Alex seemed terrified and it took everything in his power to not run up to the paramedics and stop them so he could comfort him.

"We need to intubate him. He's severely malnourished----"

_Breathe._

_John._

_Breathe._

_They're doing what's best for Alex._

_Breathe._

He was interrupted from his thoughts by a paramedic tapping his arm.

"He's mumbling your name, and won't stop moving. Maybe you can provide some comfort for him as we put the feeding tube in..."

  
* * *

  
Alex didn't know what was happening. He was slipping in and out of consciousness as bright lights took his vision, and he felt hands touching him, poking him with... needles? Huge waves of fear washed over him, and every time he felt a hand on him, he flinched and tried to squirm away. Voices drifted around him. He only caught some of the words.

"....Intubate."

_No_

_No hospital._

_No._

The hospital only had negative connotations associated with it.

He was in the hospital when his mother died.

He was in the hospital when his cousin killed himself.

He was in the hospital after the hurricane hit and destroyed his town in the Caribbean, killing tons of people.

Every time he was in the hospital, someone he loved died.

Except him.

This didn't feel safe, and even in his half-conscious state, he was still able to cry out John's name.

  
* * *

"MON AMI. Hurry!"

"Laf, I'm going as fast as I can. I don't want to kill people!"

Hercules was driving him and Laf frantically to the emergency room. The moment the ambulance left Alex's apartment, they jumped into the car, as panic flooded their minds.

"He needs to be okay."

Laf was near tears. His nightmare of Alex ending up in the hospital was coming true, and he just wished there was more he could have done to stop it from happening, even though rationally he knew that he couldn't force Alex into anything.

"They're taking care of him, Laf."

Herc was trying to stay calm.

"I'm scared too, but he is in good hands, especially with John in the ambulance with him."

  
* * *  
  
"Alex... It's John."

John was trying to be as calm as he could. He knew if he was panicking, it would make Alex panic more than he was. It broke his heart to see him so scared.

"I don't know if you can hear me right now, but I'm right here. You're going to be okay."

He rubbed his fingers through Alex's hair, as the paramedics got ready to try to place the feeding tube. They were right about Alex squirming. Every time the they started to slide the tube up his nose, he would panic and flinch away.

"You're okay, Alex."

He squeezed his hand. Alex let out a whimper as the tube hit his nose again.

"I'm right here."

John was trying hard to comfort him as much as he could.

"You're doing a good job, Alex."

He had to try to hold back tears himself, as he kept rubbing his hair.

"They're almost done. Just hold on..."

It broke John's heart to see Alex like this, but he needed to keep himself together for him.

"They're taking care of you..."

Alex had relaxed a significant amount, and the paramedics had been able to insert the tube all the way.

John looked at him, and tears escaped his eyes.

"You're safe."

He just needed Alex to be okay.

  
* * *

Herc's parking job wasn't the best, but he could have cared less, as he and Laf sprinted into the emergency room waiting area. John was already there, curled up on one of the chairs, with his knees to his chest, and eyes streaked with tears.

"Hey buddy..."

Herc sat next to him and put a hand on his shoulder, letting John lean into him. Laf sat on the other side of him, doing the same. They all sat in silence for a few seconds, letting the tears drip down their faces, until Laf spoke, his voice shaking.

"Do... Do they know what happened?"

At that question, John broke into sobs, curling into himself and shaking. Laf and Herc rubbed his back and embraced him, as he tried to speak, but he couldn't even understand himself because his voice was muffled with tears.

"It's okay, mon ami... Talk when you're ready."

John didn't know if he would ever be ready to talk. He couldn't talk. He was too worked up, and he wasn't in the waiting room. His mind was flooded with memories from the ambulance ride. He was scared to death and couldn't bear not knowing what was going on with Alex. He just needed to see him. He needed to see him so he could comfort him and try to tell him that he would be okay, just like on the ride there. He was probably terrified. Was he still unconscious? Had he woken up? Did he try to pull out the tube? Would he be okay? All of these questions flooded his mind, and he couldn't seem to get it to shut up. He couldn't stop shaking, even while being embraced by Laf and Herc. They must have sensed that his mind was going in circles, because John suddenly heard Herc's gentle voice.

"John, are you with us? Squeeze my hand if you hear me right now."

He could hear him. He just couldn't speak, so he squeezed his hand.

"Okay..." He rubbed his back, "You're going to try to breath with me... Can you try to do that, John?"

Could he? He didn't really know.

"You're in a state of panic right now, and I know it doesn't feel good, but it won't last forever."

Herc could really be a meditation speaker. His voice was so calming when it needed to be.

"Okay... Now, follow my breaths... In... one... two... three... four...."

John tried his best to follow, but his breathing was still muffled with hiccups and palpitations.

"Out... five... six... seven... eight..."

He tried hard to listen to Herc's voice. Slowly, he became more aware of his surroundings once again, and his breathing slowed down.

"Mon ami, you're doing a good job."

John leaned into Laf, as he rubbed his hands through his hair.

"I... Sorry..."

Laf looked up at him, shocked.

"John, don't apologize. Your feelings are valid. You have every right to be scared. We are too. Don't put yourself down for it, please."

A wave of exhaustion suddenly hit John, and all he wanted to do was sleep. He curled into Laf, who was still rubbing through his hair, and eventually drifted off, leaving his anxious thoughts and tortured mind behind.

  
* * *

  
An hour later, John awoke curled up between Laf and Herc, in the same position that he fell asleep in. It took him a few seconds to recognize his surroundings, but once he did, all of the memories came flooding back to him as to why they were in a hospital waiting room.

"Mon ami, you're awake."

"Did you get any new information?"

Herc sighed.

"Not yet. Trust me, I went up to the desk multiple times and asked."

"I... I just need to know if he's okay."

John's eyes began to tear up, once again.

"They're taking good care of him, John."

"He's probably so... scared." John took a breath, and closed his eyes, "He was terrified in the ambulance..." He tried to control his breathing, but it became shallow once again.

"John, you don't need to---"

"No... I do." Tears fell harder as he continued, "The paramedics... They had to give him a... feeding tube... because he was so... malnourished... and his hea---"

He was interrupted by a nurse calling his name from the desk.

"John Laurens."

He jumped up, still in tears, with Laf and Herc following behind him.

"Can... Can we see him?"

The nurse nodded, "You can, but I need to explain some things to you guys first."

She led them to an elevator out in the hallway.

John gulped, his heart racing with anxiety as the nurse explained.

"Alex is in the ICU right now, and technically only two people are allowed to visit, but I know how much you three care, so I'm making an exception."

A sigh of relief was heard from the three men, as the nurse continued.

"Now... The condition that he is in right now is very severe. As you probably know, lack of nutrition puts a lot of pressure on the body, and can critically damage organs. In Alex's case, it was his heart. His body couldn't handle it any-more, and what seemed like a panic attack at first, was actually a heart attack."

At the words "heart attack" John let out a sob, and he could have sworn that the room was beginning to sway. Laf squeezed his hand, providing comfort.

"It was caused by a huge imbalance in electrolytes, which is a common side effect of purging. His potassium was critically low, so we have him attached to an IV giving it to him."

"Merde..."

"We also inserted a feeding tube..." She looked at John, "Mr. Freckles over here witnessed that on his ride in the ambulance... The paramedics mentioned you did a great job at calming him down."

She smiled at John.

"Thanks...."

He tried to smile back, but it would have taken too much of an effort. The pain was too much.

"His heart rate and blood pressure are very low right now, so we are working on stablizing them. He was also given something to make him sleep. The man looks like he hasn't slept in months. He needs rest in order for his body to heal."

Herc nodded.

"You got that right..."

The nurse looked at him, confused.

"He doesn't sleep. It's concerned us for years."

She nodded.

"Well it's defintely good for him that he's sleeping now..."

"When do you think he'll wake up?"

The nurse sighed.

"Could be anywhere from the next hour to tomorrow morning. If you still want to see him, you can. Just expect him to be asleep for a while."

John nodded.

"We do."

The nurse smiled, and pressed the button for the elevator.

"Okay. It'll be the third floor up, in room 334."

Laf hugged the nurse.

"Thank you so much."

She returned the gesture and hugged the other two.

"Oh! Also, if he does happen to wake up, he may be in a lot of pain and feel disoriented. That's normal. Just remind him of who you guys are and where he is. There's the 'call nurse' button right near his bed. Press it if you need anything."

She received three nods, and opened up the door to Alex's room.

"He's in good hands here. He's lucky to have such great people like you who care about him."

The moment John stepped inside, he tried to prepare himself for the emotions that would overtake him.

He was soon to realize that no amount of preparing would be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im gonna go and pet my cat now and make my mind go to happy places :')


	7. Powerless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> brace yourself for emotions i guess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all again for the kudos and comments... always appreciated <3
> 
> French translations: (i used translate so i don't know if they're accurate. :O )  
> Je t'aime bébé. (I love you, baby)  
> Ne pas avoir peur. Ça va. (Don't be scared. It's okay.)  
> Je vous ai, Alexandre. (I got you, Alexander.)  
> Vous êtes en sécurité avec moi. (You're safe with me.)

The figure in the hospital bed wasn't Alex.

It was death.

John didn't remember Alex looking this bad when he found him in his room, or when he was in the ambulance with him, but with the hospital's extremely bright lights, every detail was exaggerated.

Alex was, like the nurse informed them, unconscious. His body lay lifeless on the bed, with many blankets wrapped around him, because he was shivering. His skin was paler than John had ever seen it, that he thought if he looked closer he would be able to see through it. Along his rail thin arms were bruises, scattered up and down, because the lack of nutrition made his skin very fragile, where if he pressed hard on any-thing, he would bruise. He was attached to so many machines that John thought he looked more like a robot than a human. A IV was inserted in his left arm, attached to a pole with a bag of potassium, and another with saline. The heart monitor was beeping very slowly, but the fact that there was a beat gave John the slightest bit of relief, and of course, the thin rubber tube that was inserted in the ambulance was staring him right in the face. Attached to it was a pole with a pouch of beige liquid, that John assumed was some sort of nutritional concoction.

The whole visual sent chills through his whole body, and for a few seconds, he was frozen in place, not being able to move his gaze from Alex.

He was not alone in this reaction. The minute Laf and Herc walked in, they froze too. Trying to hold back the tears from escaping their eyes was too hard, and they decided to let it be. Soon enough, the three of them had faces that were wet, and eyes that were bloodshot, and breaths that were hitched, but it was okay, because any-one would have the same reaction as them. It was normal to be upset, and distressed, and scared. It was uncomfortable, but it was normal, and they knew it was better to let the emotions out rather than let them build up, just to result into something very maladaptive.

 _Hopefully Alex would learn to be able to do that too_ , they all thought.

Not one word was spoken for at least 5 minutes, until the silence was broken by a shaky breath from John.

"I... I guess we could sit down now..."

He let out an awkward laugh, but it just sounded hollow, because there was nothing that could bring him happiness at this moment. Nothing. Nothing would make this okay. As much as he wished this was a dream, he knew it was completely real, and nothing would change the fact that it got this bad. He wished he could go back in time and fix everything. He did, but he knew that there was nothing that he could have done, and it didn't matter how many times he told himself that. It wouldn't change the situation that they were in. It wouldn't change that Alex had destroyed himself to the point that he was in the hospital to keep him alive. It wouldn't change the fact that he had to be fed through a tube because he couldn't take care of himself and accept the help he desperately needed. It wouldn't change that something inside him had such a strong grip on him, and convinced him that he didn't deserve to be cared for.

The three of them slowly made their way onto chairs around Alex's bed. No one knew what to say or what to think, really. Sometimes there just aren't words to say.

"I'm.... I'm just... confused."

The words blurted out of John's mouth before he realized that he actually did have the capability to speak. His voice was raw and scratchy from crying so much. Laf put a hand on his back and began rubbing circles into it, shaking his head, desperately trying to think of something to say. All he could do is provide comfort. Herc did the same. They all just needed each other right now, and if all they could do is comfort each other, it was okay.

Silence filled the room again. All that was heard was John's ragged breathing, until...

"I just don't get it!"

Laf and Herc looked up to see John with his eyes wide, and his hands covering his face in fists. Herc's grip on his hand got tighter.

"Let it out... John, it's okay. You can be angry."

John was sobbing now, not even making any effort to stop himself. His breaths were hitched and shallow, and his throat felt raw. He felt like all he had been doing is crying for the past month, and he just wanted it to stop. He was sick of it.

_Suck it up, John._

He flinched.

_Shut up._

After a few minutes of straight out crying, with nurturing grounding provided by Laf and Herc, John lifted his head, and just stared. He just stared at the white room, at Alex in the bed, at Laf and Herc's concerned faces. He wanted to speak, but only one small word was able to come out of his mouth.

"Why."

His voice sounded small and scared. All he wanted was answers. He slowly moved his chair closer to Alex's bed, so he was right next to him, and he could rub his hands through his hair, and just talk to him, even though he was sleeping.

"Alex... Why..."

He sighed, shook his head, and continued, his voice muffled with tears and near a whisper.

"You have so many people that care about you."

He took a breath, and kissed his head.

"We just don't want to lose you."

  
* * *

When John opened his eyes, and saw that he was still in the white, sterile, hospital room, he realized that he fell asleep and stayed overnight. Laf and Herc were still curled up, asleep in their chairs on the other side of the room.

It was when he became aware of the beeping of the heart monitor, that the memories flooded back into his mind and reality hit him like a pile of bricks.

He sighed and looked at Alex, who was still asleep.

They must have really given him strong meds, he thought.

He stared into space for a few minutes, before realizing how exhausted he actually was, and slowly drifted off once again, hoping his mind would be granted some peace.

  
* * *

Blackness. That's all Alex saw was blackness. Darkness. He didn't know where he was or what was happening, because all he saw was blackness.

_"Je t'aime bébé."_

Was that his mother's voice?

_No... Mom isn't here Alex..._

Why was he hearing her voice?

_"Ne pas avoir peur. Ça va."_

It was so soothing...

_No, she's not here Alex._

He shook his head, as tears threatened to escape his tightly shut eyes.

_"Je vous ai, Alexander."_

_No, she doesn't. She doesn't and she won't ever again because she's not here. She's gone and you will never see her again---_

"No."

_"Vous êtes en sécurité avec moi."_

He shook his head faster, his breathing becoming more rapid, and his heart beginning to pound out of his chest. His whole body felt heavy, and all he wanted to do was escape but he didn't even have the strength to lift his head.

That's when another voice flooded his mind... This voice sounded very familiar.

"Hey... Alex..."

It sounded real.

"You're okay, Alex... Can you open your eyes?"

He felt someone rubbing through his hair, and someone holding his hand.

He used all of his strength to slowly open his eyes. His vision was blurry, and it took a few seconds for it to adjust. When it did, his eyes were met with John's concerned face. Laf and Herc were on the other side of him with the same facial expression.

So many thoughts were going through Alex's mind.

 _How did I get here? I don't remember getting here. Why am I here? What about work? I have so much work to do. Fuck. I can't be here._  
  
_Fuck._

_Shit._

_No._

His thoughts were interrupted by John's voice.

"You're not going anywhere."

He hadn't realized he said all of that out loud. A sudden wave of embarrassment hit him, and all he wanted to do in that moment was leave more.

He tried to lift his head once again, but he came to realize that he couldn't because his body was far too weak. He hadn't realized how exhausted he really was until now, and he could admit that he felt very groggy. His mind was flooded, but he was anxious at the same time. He tried to lift his hand, but he got a stinging sensation. When he looked down he realized that he was attached to an IV, and whatever was in the IV was really hurting. All he wanted to do in that moment was pull the damn thing out, and he didn't hesitate to try.

"No. Mon ami, don't touch that!"

His hand was moved away quickly, by Laf, who was giving him a look like a protective mother.

Alex groaned, and used his strength to try to speak.

"It burns like a motherfucker..."

He was shocked to hear how raspy his voice was, and that's when he was really aware of how much his throat hurt.

"It's potassium. They're trying to dilute it the best they can. If you try to move, it'll burn more."

Alex swallowed, and that's when he felt the tube that was in his throat.

_Well... that explains why it hurts... But what the fuck?_

It gave him a gagging sensation, and in that moment he felt like he was about to throw up.

"Hey, I know that it probably feels really uncomfortable, but please don't mess with it."

"What the fuck is that?"

He wanted to pull that out too. Not only did his throat burn, but his nose felt raw too.

John's soothing voice answered the question for him.

"It's a feeding tube... Just... don't touch it."

He was holding back tears now, because he just didn't want to be in the stupid hospital, and he didn't know why he was there, and he didn't need to be there---

He squeezed his eyes shut.

"I don't need this stupid thing. I don---"

He was cut off by Laf.

"Mon ami... You need it because it's keeping you alive."

_No. I can't be in this hospital. I can't be here. I need to get out. I need to go back to work. I have so much work to do. I don't have the money to be here. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

John's hand's ran through his hair once again, providing some comfort to the situation, but his mind still wouldn't shut up, and he still didn't need to be there, and he didn't understand why---

"Take some deep breaths, Alex..."

_Deep breaths... You can do that... Breathe._

It was hard, but he was able to regulate his breathing a little. It was still a bit shallow, but he was actually getting air in now.

"I understand that you want to go to work, but you can't go back to work right now..."

_Breathe, Alex. Focus on John's voice._

He let out an exhale, and opened his eyes, once again staring into John's eyes.

"How are you feeling?"

How was he feeling, really?

"Weird..."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I'm confused... kinda groggy... my whole body feels heavy... and stuff hurts..."

He shut his eyes again, trying to think straight, until Herc's voice broke through.

"You're pumped up with a lot of meds right now. It's normal that you feel like that..."

Alex opened his eyes again, this time making his best effort to keep them like that.

"Mon ami, you do know why you're here?"

Were they going to actually tell him now? He really didn't remember a thing. All he knew was that he was in his room, working. He shook his head.

Laf looked at John, who looked like he was about to cry. He nodded and took a deep breath, squeezing Alex's hand.

"Do..." John's voice cracked, and he stopped himself and tried to pull himself together before having to re-live the night before. "Do you have any idea... how scared I am right now...?"

His voice was small, and sounded tired. Alex suddenly felt a pang of guilt. Not only guilt, but shame. He has putting his friends in pain.

He was putting John in pain.

"I... I found you sprawled across our bedroom floor..." His voice was shaking, "...half conscious... moaning... in pain..." He knew it was going to be hard to hold in the crying, so he just let it be, and soon enough a sob escaped his lips. "Your heart gave up on you...."

He was completely sobbing at this point, and all Alex wanted to do was fix everything. This was all his fault. Everything was always his fault. He destroyed people, and he destroyed relationships, and he destroyed lives, and he destr---

"Your body couldn't handle it any-more, Alex!"

John's grip on Alex's hand grew tighter, and he leaned in closer, voice completely shaking and hushed.

"You almost died..."

He kissed his forehead, and Alex leaned into his touch, tears beginning to escape his own eyes. He saw that Laf and Herc were both crying too.

"God Alex... I just don't want to lose you."

It felt like a punch in the gut, like his heart was ripped out of his chest and everything was gushing out. He didn't know what to say. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't, so he let John cry onto him, as he let himself feel the guilt, and the shame, and the sadness.

"Alex... I LOVE YOU. I can't let you die..." John couldn't understand himself but he hoped Alex could understand him through his tears. He just needed to get it across to him.

"...I can't let it happen to you. I can't let you keep doing this to yourself."

That's when the emotions hit him harder than ever, and he sobbed.

He cried. He cried because he had no fucking life. He cried because he wasted so much of my life stuck in his eating disorder. He cried because the whole time he was around people doing behaviors instead of enjoying their company. He cried because he was stuck in the hospital. He cried because the eating disorder almost killed him. He cried because he was so fucking sick of his eating disorder taking all of these things away from him... and he couldn't stop crying...

It must have been a sight to see. John and Alex huddled onto each other, soaking themselves with their salty tears that were burning their eyes.

As he was crying, Alex's mind was also flooded with the conflicting thoughts of self-hatred.

Why were people telling him this?

Why did they care about him?

He didn't deserve this kind of love and care.

He never did anything to deserve the care he was receiving.

Why were people wasting their time and energy on him, when all he did was ruin their lives?

He was treating himself like this because he deserved it.

Why would he stop?

"You gotta let them help you, Alex... Please..."

He wanted to say something, but he couldn't. He could only force one sentence out of his mouth that shocked everyone in the room.

"What if I don't deserve it?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for the chapters that will follow this one:
> 
> they will get more emotional, and more heavy, because there will be a lot of therapy. HARD therapy. my flashback and trauma tags will apply then. it might take a little longer to write them, just because it's based off of my own experience and it is hard for me to relive the times in my life and write about them, but i want to, and i know in the long run writing really does help me :)
> 
> so lots of angst, and emotions and everyone trying to support alex through his shit while trying to deal with their shit and taking care of themselves.
> 
> it will be very RAW. 
> 
> once again thank you so much for reading. i am really excited to continue with it!


	8. Haunted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> therapy. therapy. therapy. did i mention therapy? did i mention that alex hates therapy?
> 
> TW: flashbacks, mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, etc?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM ALIVE. A lot of stuff happened over the past 3 weeks, and I finally found time and motivation to post another chapter.
> 
> Thank you again for your kudos and subscriptions. You guys really rock.
> 
> Also, The way Alex deals with flashbacks is similar to how I've dealt with them. I want to make this as real as possible.

6 weeks.

After 6 torturous weeks of confinement, and pain, and tears, and tubes, and needles, and everything else that hospitals represented, Alex was stable enough to be released.

John had come to visit every day, and even though half of the time Alex was far too weak and groggy to even remember the visits, it still gave him a feeling of safety when he was there. Being in the presence of someone who loved and cared about him took some of the anxiety and pain away.

Being in the hospital brought back many unwanted memories for Alex. Memories of his mother flooded his dreams almost every night, and every morning he would wake up wanting to cry because he wished she was still there with him. The emptiness inside of him grew heavier every day, as the memories kept re-surfacing, and he wanted them to stop. He needed them to stop. Of course, he hadn't ever told anyone about them, and about how they were the reason he never wanted to go to the hospital. No one needed to know. If they knew, wouldn't they just leave him? Everyone else in his life seemed to leave him for some reason, so it wouldn't even be a surprise if John left him too.

His cousin's toxic words played in his head.

_"Your mother has been dead for how many years now? Get over it. She never even loved you any-way. Maybe if you didn't take up so much time and energy from your family, she wouldn't have gotten sick. Your dad wouldn't have left. But no. It's all your fault, because everyone wasted their time trying to take care of you; you selfish, self-absorbed asshole. They just got sick of you, because you are too much to handle... a huge burden on your family."_

Yeah.

His cousin.

His "family."

_Family, my ass._

So, what else did Alex feel?

Guilt.

Guilt and shame.

Alex knew how much he worried John, Laf, and Herc, and he saw how much time they put into caring about him. They visited him every day, and did everything they could to try to make the stay a little easier for him. But, he didn't understand _why_.

Why did they go out of their way to do this for him? What was so good about him to make people actually care so much about him? He felt guilty for making them go out of their way to help him.

_I don't deserve this help._

_I don't need this help._

_I'm a fucked up person._

_No one else in my life treated me good, so why are they?_

_What do they see in me that is worthy enough of love?_

_I don't see anything._

Alex's self-hatred grew stronger during his hospital stay. Since he couldn't use starving or purging to numb out or distract from these feelings, he was left to sit with all of them, and it felt like too much to handle sometimes, because everything connected.

The thoughts connected to the feelings, and the feelings connected to memories, and memories connected to thoughts, and it was a whole huge cycle of self-hatred that felt like a hurricane in Alex's mind.

He couldn't think straight most of the time, and eventually gave up and slept most of the days, just as a way to not have to feel anything.

That didn't work as well as he had planned.

Sleep brought memories, and memories turned into nightmares.

Thankfully, he had John most nights to comfort him through them, but he was ashamed and embarrassed to have him witness this side of him that no one had ever seen.

The "weak" Alex.

The "damaged" Alex.

The Alex that _destroyed relationships, and destroyed people, and destroyed lives._

He wasn't planning on opening up about his background to any-one. He couldn't. Bad things would happen. It was engrained in his mind, since it seemed like that was the pattern all his life... That bad things would keep happening to him.

That's all that ever happened.

So, when he was informed that he would be going to a new therapist the day he was released, he was nowhere near thrilled. If he wanted to be honest, he was scared.

He was scared because he knew how therapy worked. They would dig and dig and dig through Alex's past and try to make him talk about it. Everything would be brought back up to the surface and he would have to face everything that happened to him.

He wasn't going to let that happen.

No one could MAKE him do anything.

He would just have to figure out ways to dance around the issues. He had done it before, so he could do it again.

John wouldn't need to know.

  
* * *

  
"Alex, you're going. You know you have to go."

John knew he would have to fight with Alex to get him to go to therapy. He knew how stubborn he was, and he knew how avoidant he was. That didn't stop him from being stern with him. Underneath it all, John was scared, and he knew that Alex needed to go. He watched the love of his life almost die 6 weeks ago, and he wouldn't let it happen again. He couldn't. It was still haunting him every day.

"Alex... Come on."

When Alex finally decided to come out of hiding, John let out a sigh of relief.

"I know you don't want to go, Alex, but please just go in with an open mind."

Alex took a deep breath, and sighed.

"Okay. I'll try."

  
* * *

  
The waiting room was comforting. It wasn't sterile like the hospital. Instead, it had a warm, cozy feeling to it. There were scented candles lit all around, and relaxing music was playing in the background.

 _If I actually made an effort, I could probably fall asleep here_ , Alex thought.

He took the time to cherish the peace and serenity he rarely felt, but it was short lived. Soon enough, he heard a door open, and he looked up to see a tall woman with a clipboard, smiling at him.

"Hi. You must be Alexander."

The woman had shoulder length, golden brown hair, and beautiful big brown eyes. Her voice was warm and soothing, yet direct. She was dressed very casually, and Alex noticed that she was wearing a dream catcher necklace.

_Oh geez... Another one of those symbolic people..._

Alex nodded slowly.

"My name's Rachel. I'm going to be your therapist."

Rachel.

He froze.

Rachel...

_"Mama..."_

_He was holding his mama's clammy hand in the hospital bed. Her breathing was shallow, but she still comforted Alex during her last moments._

_"It's okay, sweetie. You're going to be okay."_

_He shook his head._

Shit.

Not now.

_He squeezed her hand as tears began to run down his cheeks._

_"Mama..."_

_That's when he felt her hand go limp._

_"Mama?"_

Not now. Not now. Oh god. Please, not now.

_"MAMA! MAMA NO!"_

"Hey, you okay?"

Rachel?

His eyes darted open to see a concerned Rachel staring back at him.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go. Sorry."

He didn't realize how fast his words came out until he said them, and he hoped Rachel wouldn't question it.

When he got to the room, he sat himself on a big couch, and Rachel sat on a love seat across from him. The whole environment felt gave Alex a weird feeling of security.

He didn't realize he was in a daze until Rachel's voice snapped him back to the present.

"Before we start anything, I have to just ask you some assessment questions. It's kind of annoying, but it's part of the process. It'll be quick."

Alex nodded.

"So I already know you're Alexander..." She started to write on a piece of paper attached to the clipboard, "...and have you ever been in therapy before?"

Alex bit his lip, trying to not cringe, as he spit out the word.

"Yes."

Rachel looked up and smiled.

"Great."

_This is gonna be a long session..._

"Were you getting treated for your eating disorder?"

He nodded.

"How long ago was this?"

This received an exasperated groan from Alex.

"Seriously, how many questions are there, and why are they so damn specific?!"

"I'm sorry, Alex. It's aggravating, but we have to do this."

He closed his eyes, took a breath, and let out an exhale.

"Okay. Okay. I'm sorry... I was in the hospital for 6 weeks due to complications, which you know, and was in therapy for 2 years before that."

Rachel nodded and scribbled more down on the paper.

"Were you ever diagnosed with anything besides your eating disorder?"

_God dammit._

"Uh... Anxiety? Maybe depression? I'm not really sure?"

"Have you ever self-mulitated?"

_What?_

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Have you ever hurt yourself? Self-harmed? Cutting, scratching, biting?"

Alex kept his head down. Was he supposed to be honest about this?

Finally, he spoke, and his voice sounded small.

"Yeah."

Rachel looked at him, and nodded slowly, taking in his body language. She noticed he had begun to curl into himself once she started to ask the personal questions.

"Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?"

Alex stared at the ground, and Rachel sensed his discomfort.

"Be honest, Alex. It's okay."

He nodded, very slowly.

"Have you ever acted on those thoughts?"

Well, at least this one was easy.

"No."

"Cool."

_Okay?_

"So, I was informed by some of the hospital staff that you had nightmares frequently while you were there. I'm only mentioning this because it connects to the next set of questions I'm going to ask you."

This was the moment he was dreading.

He knew it was coming.

The "trauma" questions.

"Have you dealt with any form of trauma in your life?"

He quickly nodded his head no.

"This can be ANY form of trauma, Alex. A death in your family, a car accident, a natural disaster..."

_Nope. Nope. Nope._

_Not telling her._

_You're not telling her._

".... abuse, neglect, abandonment, emotional, physical, or sexual..."

_Stop listing them._

_Please stop listing them._

He was beginning to block her voice out now, because now memories were beginning to surface, and he couldn't have them. _Stop. Stop. Stop._

_"YOU ARE A FUCKING BASTARD. JUST GO DIE IN A HOLE OR I'LL SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROAT!"_

STOP. GOD DAMMIT. NOT NOW. NOT NOW. STOP.

Fuck.

_"OPEN THE DOOR!"_

Fuck.

_"NO."_

_"ALEX OPEN YOUR GODDAMN DOOR AND LET ME IN."_

_Push. Push. Push._

Shit.

_"NO."_

_"ALEX..."_

Suddenly, Alex's eyes darted open, and he knew he needed to leave. Fast.

"No. I have no trauma. It was nice to meet you. See you next week. Bye."

He ran out the door as fast as he could, and even ran past John in the waiting room, not bothering to say anything to him.

"Hey, how was therapy?"

He looked at him.

"Uh great, but I'm ready. Let's go."

John gave him a suspicious look.

"Alex, you're talking a mile a minute. What's going on?"

"Nothing. I'm just ready to leave, that's all."

"Alex..."

_John, seriously. You don't understand that I need to leave right now._

He gave him the biggest puppy dog eyes that he knew John couldn't resist.

"Please."

John sighed with concern, but eventually gave in.

"Okay, get in the car."

  
* * *

  
The clock read 3:30am. Alex was laying awake. He couldn't sleep. He knew things would be worse if he did, not that things weren't bad already, but he didn't need them worse.

_"YOU ARE A FUCKING BASTARD. JUST GO DIE IN A HOLE OR I'LL SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROAT!"_

It's not happening, Alex. It's not real. You're okay.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

John is here.

_Run. Run. Run. Run._

You're in New York.

_Hide. Hide. Hide. Hide._

He took out his journal and started to write.

_I'm not okay. I'm not okay. This isn't okay. Help me. I don't feel okay. I don't feel safe. I don't know what's going on but I don't like it, and I want everything to stop. Make it stop. Please, god, make it stop._

He felt like he was going to cry, and he tried to hold it in, as he bit his lip.

_I'm not safe. I don't want to think like this. Make the memories stop._

He stopped biting his lip, and the tears began to fall.

_Why did I fucking go to therapy? It's all my fucking fault. I was stupid and decided to go, and then I was even dumber and decided to be honest with Rachel! I thought I wasn't going to open up. Look what's happening! I told you! Look at what is happening now that I was honest! I told you. Bad things are going to happen. I was fucking right. This isn't going to end, will it? No, of course not. It's because you screw everything up. God, Alex. You should have listened to your foster parent when he told you that everything is easier when it's your fault, because it's fucking true._

His head was in his hands now, and he was silently sobbing. He didn't want to wake John up, but then again, if he did, he wouldn't be surprised because _YOU SCREW EVERYTHING UP, AND YOU DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS, AND YOU DESTROY---_

He took his pen, and with a shaking hand, wrote down one last sentence.

_Please, make it stop._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest, this was hard for me to write, but I feel good that I did.  
> And the therapist is also based off of the therapist that saved my life (Rachel if your reading this you rock!! ) Yes her name is Rachel, and yes I kept that name because of Alex's connection with it. I felt it was necessary and would make it deeper and more heartfelt.
> 
> ALSO I MET LIN MANUEL MIRANDA A WEEK AGO AND HE HUGGED ME AND IT HASN'T HIT ME YET BUT I WANTED TO SHARE THAT WITH YOU!
> 
> Thank you again for all of your support with this. Don't know when the next chapter will be up, but it will. The angst and emotions will just get more intense so brace yourself. Love you <3

**Author's Note:**

> not sure what i just wrote.... whoops


End file.
